Recently, it seems, the liberal media has been using the terms "privatization" and "private accounts" to describe President Bush's soon-to-be-unveiled plan to replace Social Security. Has the new vocabulary of the "Ownership Society" got you confused? You're not the only one. Here's the president himself talking to the Washington Post (courtesy Talking Points Memo):

The Post: Will you talk to Senate Democrats about your privatization plan?

THE PRESIDENT: You mean, the personal savings accounts?

The Post: Yes, exactly. Scott has been --

THE PRESIDENT: We don't want to be editorializing, at least in the questions.

The Post: You used partial privatization yourself last year, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes?

The Post: Yes, three times in one sentence. We had to figure this out, because we're in an argument with the RNC [Republican National Committee] about how we should actually word this. [Post staff writer] Mike Allen, the industrious Mike Allen, found it.

THE PRESIDENT: Allen did what now?

The Post: You used partial privatization.

THE PRESIDENT: I did, personally?

The Post: Right.

THE PRESIDENT: When?

The Post: To describe it.

THE PRESIDENT: When, when was it?

The Post: Mike said it was right around the election.

THE PRESIDENT: Seriously?

The Post: It was right around the election. We'll send it over.

THE PRESIDENT: I'm surprised. Maybe I did. It's amazing what happens when you're tired. Anyway, your question was? I'm sorry for interrupting.

Even the strongest supporters of "Social Security choice," the Cato Institute, accidentally titled their December 23, 2004 manifesto "Private Accounts Will Boost National Saving." Oops! (Via TAPPED.) Why, Rove himself used the dirty word back in 2000. Talk about editorializing!

In order to clear up this verbal stew, we've come up with a rough guide to your new Personal Accounts.

You remember that old check you used to get? "A monthly check to you!" this 1936 poster gleefully touted:

Look at that! That's a handout. But not to worry, under the "Ownership Society," will end that kind of government oppression.

With your Personal Account, you won't be giving your money to some government bureaucracy. You will invest it yourself, under a variety of schemes. That's called choice. (Get used to it!)

For example, you can use this investment option for maximum return opportunities. It's called Mega Millions. We believe Personal Accounts can make everybody a millionaire when they retire, and this is one sure-fire way.

Of course, it may be a little confusing to the novice investor. There are a lot of numbers there. You may wish to seek the advice of a qualified investment manager.

Or, if you prefer to go it alone, you can choose another one of our new options for Personal Accounts. It's your choice! This one's called Break the Bank.

As you can see, you simply scratch the hammers off, and you can turn an initial investment of $1 into a nest egg of up to $15,000. I know what you're thinking -- if only the federal government could work that way! Well, we're working it!

Now, you might be concerned that your nest egg may run out if you happen to live longer than you expect. Well, worry no more, we have just the retirement plan for you! It's called Win for Life!

The way it works is quite simple. Just scratch off all the gold-stacks and wads, and if you see "Winner," then praise the Lord and put down that tax form, because you're set for life! You'll be getting $1000 a week for the rest of your golden years. Makes that old-fashioned Social Security check look pretty slim, doesn't it?

Now, there are some people who might call this gambling. Other people might use words like "privatization" to make this seem scary. But as you can see, Personal Accounts are fun and easy to use. Retirement wealth is in your hands -- and it's only a scratch away!